Beyond the Puppet Strings: When Manipulation Backfires

My first time in a management position, I was 26 years old, navigating the complexities of leadership while working at a fast-paced startup. I found myself at the helm of a small team consisting of fewer than fifteen individuals, each bringing their own unique skills and experiences to the table.

Among them was a woman significantly older than I was, who had been hired directly by my boss, one of two directors of the wellness center, without any consultation or input from me, the manager. This decision initially left me feeling undermined and uncertain about my authority. She was assigned to oversee the marketing efforts, a crucial role within our organization, but from the very start, she made it abundantly clear that she held little regard for my leadership or direction.

Her behavior was not only unprofessional but also disruptive. She was consistently rude, arriving late to meetings and failing to meet deadlines, which was particularly frustrating given the fast-paced environment we were in. Her productivity levels were far below what she had initially claimed they would be, and I found myself having to pick up the slack. After raising my concerns with my boss, it was decided that she would be required to report her progress to me on a weekly basis.

At that time, I was deeply entrenched in my work, a proper workaholic, often putting in hours well beyond the typical 9–5 schedule and exceeding my job description in an effort to drive results. My dedication was evident, as the company’s revenue continued to climb steadily, reflecting the hard work and commitment I put into my role.

However, rather than rising to the occasion and contributing positively to the team’s success, she seemed intent on coasting along on my achievements. She began to take credit for my hard work, presenting my ideas as her own while simultaneously belittling me in front of our colleagues. This not only undermined my authority but also created a toxic atmosphere that affected team morale. I was frustrated, yet I remained determined to approach the situation with professionalism and a focus on constructive resolution. To address the ongoing issues, I decided to call a meeting with our two directors, hoping to lay everything out on the table.

During that meeting, I calmly articulated the various problems we were facing and even proposed several solutions aimed at improving our teamwork and productivity. Despite the anger simmering inside me, I was committed to handling the matter in a way that would foster collaboration and understanding. The firstborn in me.

When it was her turn to respond, I was taken aback by what she said. Instead of addressing the issues at hand or offering any form of accountability, she began to profess her deep love, admiration, and respect for me, a sentiment that felt entirely disingenuous and fabricated. It was as if she was attempting to manipulate the narrative, hoping that her words would overshadow her actions. I have been loved deeply and adored religioisly so I was not about to confuse her mistreatment for affection or respect. Her response lacked any real substance; she did not explain her behavior, nor did she make any promises to improve. As a result, the meeting ended without any resolution, leaving me feeling even more disheartened.

In light of this ongoing struggle, I decided to take a different approach and let her work speak for itself. There was an important event on the horizon that I would typically promote heavily across our social media platforms to ensure maximum attendance and engagement. This time, however, I made a conscious decision to leave the promotion entirely in the hands of the marketing department, her department. I wanted to see how she would handle the responsibility without my intervention.

Unfortunately, the event flopped miserably, failing to generate the interest or attendance we had hoped for. Not long after this failure, she was ultimately let go, a decision that I believe was a direct result of her inability to perform and contribute effectively to the team.

This experience taught me something critical about people: manipulation is often centered around controlling perception. Those who seek to undermine others can sometimes mask their shortcomings with charm or false praise, but true success and respect must be earned through consistent effort and accountability.

Manipulation in Dating

When a new partner shares past experiences of betrayal or infidelity, it can seem like an effort to build trust and intimacy. While they might genuinely seek understanding, these disclosures can also subtly position them as a victim, encouraging their partner to adopt a protective role. This dynamic may lead to an imbalance, where one partner feels responsible for the other's emotional well-being, creating pressure to avoid causing further pain. Over time, the initial vulnerability may reveal behaviors like jealousy or manipulation, with an expectation of sympathy from the partner. This can result in emotional subservience, where boundaries blur, and the focus shifts from mutual growth to one-sided nurturing. It's crucial for individuals to be aware of these dynamics, maintain boundaries, and communicate openly to foster balanced relationships, ensuring both partners feel valued and respected.

Manipulation in Family

Manipulation doesn’t just happen in offices or dating, it happens within families, too.

In one of my coaching sessions, a client shared a deeply personal experience that resonated with many aspects of familial relationships. She recounted how her mother would often find both covert and direct ways to call her “useless.” This seemingly simple label carried a heavy weight, as it was not just a word but a reflection of her mother's ongoing criticism and lack of support.

The young woman was devastated by these remarks, despite the fact that she had continually gone out of her way to help her mother and make her life easier in countless ways. She would spend hours assisting with household chores, offering emotional support during difficult times, and trying to uplift her mother's spirits. Yet, in return, she felt an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and rejection. What she didn’t realize at the time, however, was that her mother was engaging in a manipulative behavior pattern: by denying her daughter the love, approval, and validation she desperately sought, her mother was effectively trying to control her actions. The underlying message was clear: if her daughter wanted to receive affection, she needed to do more, to prove her worthiness, and to strive endlessly to earn her mother’s elusive affection.

This dynamic is not uncommon in parent-child relationships, where parents, whether consciously or unconsciously, engage in behaviors that can be detrimental to a child's emotional well-being. They may withhold their love, attention, or approval, often believing that such tactics will motivate their child to strive harder or achieve more. They may think that by creating a sense of inadequacy, they are pushing their child to reach their full potential. However, this approach can have severe consequences.

Children, in their quest for approval and love, may feel compelled to move mountains to gain the affection they crave, often sacrificing their own needs and desires in the process. They may become overly compliant, driven by the hope that one day they will finally receive the love and recognition they have longed for.

Unfortunately, when this pattern of manipulation occurs too frequently, the child learns to adapt to a life devoid of unconditional love and affirmation. They grow accustomed to the absence of the loving validation that is so crucial for emotional development. As they navigate through life, they often find themselves missing out on the warmth of a firm hug, the comfort of careful consideration, or the joy of receiving tenderness from a parent. Instead, they may feel an ever-present sense of disappointment and indifference. Each time they reach out for connection, they are met with rejection or manipulation, causing them to withdraw further into themselves. This cycle of emotional distancing can lead to a profound sense of loneliness and a persistent feeling of unworthiness that can carry into adulthood, impacting their relationships and self-esteem. Ultimately, the longing for a genuine, loving connection remains unfulfilled, leaving them to grapple with the scars of their upbringing.

Another example is the common belief that the maternal side of a family is somehow “better” or more trustworthy than the paternal side. This perception is deeply ingrained in many cultures, where the maternal lineage is often celebrated for its nurturing qualities and emotional support. However, in reality, both sides of a family have their own unique flaws and imperfections. It is essential to recognize that one side may simply have better PR, so to speak, which can lead to an imbalanced view of family dynamics. The maternal side may excel in storytelling, sharing anecdotes that highlight their virtues and strengths, while the paternal side might remain more reserved, choosing silence out of a sense of politeness or a desire to avoid conflict. This disparity in communication can skew public perception, leading to an incomplete understanding of family relationships and dynamics, ultimately preventing a holistic view of the truth.

The reality is that both sides contribute to the family narrative, and each has its strengths and weaknesses that deserve recognition.

Moreover, the tendency to favor one side over the other can foster unnecessary divisions within families, creating an environment where members feel compelled to defend their lineage or justify their worth based on familial ties rather than individual merit. This can lead to feelings of resentment or inadequacy, particularly among those who feel overshadowed by the perceived superiority of the maternal side. It is crucial for families to engage in open dialogue and encourage equal recognition of all contributions, fostering a more inclusive atmosphere that values each member's experiences and perspectives.

Manipulative people often craft narratives to paint themselves as generous or morally superior, even when their behavior tells another story. This manipulation can take many forms, from subtle gaslighting to overt deceit, and it often exploits the vulnerabilities of others. Not all manipulation is malicious; sometimes it stems from a struggle to fit in, a deep-seated fear of rejection, or profound insecurity. These motivations can lead individuals to present a façade that masks their true intentions or feelings.

However, while the underlying reasons for such behavior may be rooted in personal struggles, it does not lessen the impact of their actions on those around them. The consequences of manipulation can ripple through relationships, causing mistrust and emotional distress.

Understanding the complexities of these dynamics is crucial. It allows individuals to navigate their relationships with greater awareness and empathy. By acknowledging that both sides of a family have their narratives and that manipulative behaviors can arise from various sources, we can foster a more compassionate approach to interpersonal interactions. It encourages us to look beyond surface appearances and to seek a deeper understanding of the motivations and experiences that shape our relationships, ultimately leading to healthier, more balanced connections.

Manipulation in Friendship and Close Relationship

Recently, after the incredible experience of giving birth to my daughter, I have found that my attention and energy have been completely consumed by the demands of exclusively breastfeeding her. This intimate and nurturing process has required my full commitment, as I strive to provide her with the best possible start in life. Alongside this, I am also dedicated to caring for my husband, who, in turn, is there to support me during this transformative time. Balancing these responsibilities with the need to care for myself has become a delicate juggling act. For the last six months, I have found that anything outside the realm of my immediate family and the gradual rebuilding of my coaching business has taken a back seat. Many stay-at-home mothers can undoubtedly relate to this experience, as the shift in priorities often leads to a profound focus on family life. This is not done out of a lack of love for other people or the other parts of my life; rather, it is a natural response to the overwhelming demands of motherhood and the need to nurture my family.

Unfortunately, this shift in focus has not been well-received by someone close to me. Instead of offering patience and understanding during this significant transition in my life, they have resorted to manipulation, which has been both surprising and disheartening.

Initially, they employed the silent treatment, creating an emotional distance that felt both hurtful and isolating. Then, I began to notice bursts of love-bombing, where they would shower me with affection and attention, seemingly only when they sensed that I was not reacting to their previous tactics. This erratic behavior has left me feeling confused and pressured, as they seem to expect me to chase after their approval, beg for forgiveness, or apologize for the natural prioritization of my new season of life. It feels as though my needs and choices have been dismissed in favor of their emotional responses.

This cycle of manipulation and emotional turmoil has continued long enough that I now fear it has irreparably damaged our friendship. The trust and understanding that once characterized our relationship have been overshadowed by these negative interactions.

It serves as a stark reminder that manipulation can manifest in various forms and settings, not just within professional environments or familial relationships. It can seep into friendships, altering the dynamics and creating rifts that may be challenging to mend. This experience has led me to reflect deeply on the importance of healthy boundaries and the need for open communication in any relationship, especially during times of significant life changes. As I navigate this new chapter of motherhood, I am learning to prioritize my well-being and the well-being of my family while recognizing the need to address and confront unhealthy dynamics in my relationships.

Manipulation thrives in ambiguity. It depends on your goodwill, your desire to be understanding, and your fear of conflict. But recognizing these patterns empowers you. You’re not obligated to engage with someone else’s tactics. You don’t have to accept mistreatment disguised as affection or guilt masquerading as vulnerability.

Authentic connection requires honesty, boundaries, and respect. The next time someone’s words and actions don’t align, pay attention. What they choose to share, or withhold, can tell you everything you need to know.