People Who Hate Themselves & The People That Love Them

Once, a very close friend of mine intentionally introduced me to a scammer and encouraged me to invest with them in hopes that I would later loose all my money and possibly my credibility in our social circles. I wish I could say that I saw right through their evil intentions but the truth is, the said friend overestimated my financial capabilities. Looking back, I realize that she saw the potential that I didn't yet see in myself. I also realize that while she was someone I deeply loved and admired, she struggled with loving herself and seeing her own successes or potential for success, which from my perspective, were much greater than my own.

This is just one incidence but I have seen plenty of times what self-loathing can do. I have seen it destroy the best of friendships, romantic relationships that once seemed fated and even breakup families. I have seen it steal the light right out of people's eyes. I have watched it drive the beautiful, the brilliant, and the kind to places from which they could not come back from.

Growing up, I watched women hate themself unreservedly, as if it was required. They hated themselves because their mother also hated herself, self-abandoned and people pleased and, meaning no harm, taught them how. Self-loathing spreads that way, from heart to heart, and generation to generation.

Don't get me wrong, men also do it! We have all seen men 'humble" and humiliate their children, their wives, sisters, girlfriends and even other men. And because of it, somewhere along the line, those loved ones concluded that there was something broken within themselves.

That's what I want to talk about in today's session...sorry, today's post. I want enlighten you because I have learnt to recognize self-loathing in other people and overcome my own self-loathing along this healing and self-discovery journey. It's why I take thousands of portraits of myself and live my best life, despite being far from perfect. And why not? I see and accept imperfection and mediocrity in others, so why not accept it in myself too?

People who hate themselves often live in a state of constant internal conflict. This self-hatred leaks out into their relationships in destructive ways.

• They Look for Flaws in Others. They point out flaws in others to make themselves feel better about their own perceived failures and shortcomings.

• They are Compulsive Overachievers. This person is trying to become "lovable," so they spend so much time, attention, and energy trying to be good, earn approval, and be perfect. When this doesn’t bring the love they want, their only response is to try harder.

• They Take Blame, Not Credit. If something goes well, it’s luck or a gift from God. If it goes badly, it’s all their fault. Even if they take a little credit, they quickly undercut the feeling of success by finding what could have been done better.

• They Struggle to Receive. They have immense difficulty accepting love, gifts, compliments, help, favors, or praise.

• They are Vulnerable to Abuse. Their fear, self-hate, and scarcity mindset is too strong to let them break out of an abusive situation, even when they recognize it.

• They Ignore Their Own Pain. They always ignore their own pain and discomfort for the "greater good," meaning another person's comfort or to maintain the illusion of peace.

• They are Triggered by Self-Love. They are triggered by those who love themselves unconditionally. They are also triggered when they see someone else loved and accepted despite a flaw that they would never love or accept in themselves.

• Their Lies Are About Shame. They lie not to manipulate others for gain, but because they are ashamed of the truth and desperate to avoid judgment. Their lies are constructed to please the sensibilities of those around them.

• They Compulsively Apologize.

• They Are Hyper-Critical. Constructive self-criticism is useful; self-brutality is not. The moment self-criticism makes you feel fundamentally bad about who you are, it stops being useful. And people who brutally judge themselves will do the same to others.

• They Personalize Everything. They take everything you say personally, become defensive easily, and may secretly plot revenge for perceived slights. They hold grudges and review old hurts rather than being present.

• They Compare and Compete. It is easy for them to compare their weaknesses with everyone else’s strengths. This competitive, comparative mindset is often what causes love to turn into betrayal.

• They Live in Fear of Exposure. They genuinely believe other people are constantly judging them and live in fear of being “found out” for the failure of a human being they think they are.

• Self-Destructive Behavior. At its most extreme, self-hatred can lead to retreat into alcohol or substance use, suicidal and other self-destructive behaviors, or even physical and emotional harm toward others.

The Myth of Loving Them Better

The world is a mirror when it comes to love. If you find yourself deeply intertwined with someone who hates themselves, you need to understand two key things:

1. Unworthiness Finds Unworthiness. Part of you may also secretly hate yourself or feel unworthy, because a feeling of unworthiness will always find its match.

2. Love Cannot Be Imposed. There is a big misconception that if you genuinely love someone who hates themselves, your love will magically fix them. It’s easy to deceive yourself into thinking you can "kill someone with kindness."

Unfortunately, love cannot be imposed onto others who unknowingly block it with a wall of self-hatred. You cannot fill the empty hole of someone’s self-hatred with your love.

Until love can be embraced from within, it is impossible to love someone through their own self-hatred. They must be willing to begin letting go of their self-hatred to discover their own light of love and reach up to meet you where you are.

The best you can do is meet someone where they are and find that healthy boundary of what you are willing to give. Know that what comes back will not be able to match what you are giving, and could even be the opposite of what you expect. Your job is not to heal them; it's to protect your own light.

A Path Back to Self

When I began gently guiding people along a path of healing, growth, and transformation, I realized that much of my role as a Wellness Coach was to be an external representative of the unconditional love, non-judgmental acceptance, and empathy they were seeking to find in themselves.

Over the years, I've come to see that my main task is to get my clients to turn loose the self-loathing conditioning that says they are bad, wrong, and inadequate—long enough for them to catch a glimpse of who they really are. It is usually after the first couple of sessions, once they learn to trust my perception, that they begin to accept that their deepest beliefs about themselves might be less than completely accurate.

Unless you were raised by wolves, the chances are extremely high that you or a loved one can relate to a number of the things described above. Please seek the help of a therapist, counselor, and/or a life coach.

🌿 Ready to Heal, Grow, and Reclaim Your Power? 🌿

If this article resonates with you, it’s time to begin your self-mastery journey. Through my one-on-one coaching program, I walk alongside women like you, helping you set boundaries, rediscover your voice, and build a life rooted in self-love, self-trust and intention.

My wellness journals are powerful companions on this journey, guiding you to reflect deeply, develop emotional clarity, and create habits that nurture your mind, body, and spirit. And in my self-help book, 'Healing Firstborn Daughter', I open my heart even wider—sharing lessons, tools, and truths that have helped me (and many others) transform pain into purpose.

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(If you liked this article, you might also enjoy Unlearning People Pleasing and Things I Have Learnt From People that Hate me)