Rage, Resentment And All Things Anger

It’s one of my theories that when people give you advice, they’re really just talking to themselves in the past. This blog is me talking to a previous version of myself. These are things I have learnt over almost a decade of trying to figure out how to survive adult and childhood trauma and conditioning, but a funny thing happened when I started sharing them with others—I realized that the information wasn’t just for healing firstborn daughters. They are for everyone. These ideas apply to anyone who’s striving for healing, self-mastery and transformation. (That should describe all of us.) In other words: This blog is for you. Whoever you are.

Let’s get started.

Younger me, if asked, would tell you that we would all be better off without anger, but what does that naive girl know of a world that will eat you up and spit you out? Because she believed that anger could only be destructive, she grew up without working through it appropriately, and now I am left to deal with her rage and resentment from years of her anger being withheld and suppressed. Lucky me!

My upbringing, the gift that keeps on giving.

In an ideal world, there would be no anger. Every person would be understanding and cooperative and encouraging; therefore, there would be no impetus for anyone to feel thwarted or rejected or disappointed. This is not an ideal world. People at their worst can be narcissistic, selfcentered, abrasive, and condescending. Less severe, they can be innocently unaware of your needs or too preoccupied with their own agenda to notice you. They can feel overwhelmed, or they simply may not know how to relate to your personal needs. In such an environment, anger is inevitable.

When most people think of anger expression, aggression comes first to mind, but an angry person may not necessarily always shout or slam doors or speak offensive words. That anger can also be demonstrated through depression and withdrawal and chronic frustration. That’s me! I was so busy trying to figure out how to get along with people who have the more obvious forms of anger that I didn’t really take the time to recognize my own problem with anger. How about you? Do you have a tendency to hide the extent of your anger? The deeper you move into the people-pleasing role, the more likely it is that you have a commitment to hold in your anger even when it may not be good for you or your relationships.

Let me give you an an analogy. In your kitchen, you have a trash sack, right? Suppose that at the end of the day you decide you don’t like the task of taking the trash out, so you just let it remain where it is. After one day you might experience few negative repercussions. Let’s say, though, that three or four or five days have passed and you still have not taken out the trash. Now you’ve got a couple of problems. First, the trash sack is full to the point of overflowing. Second, the trash turns sour and begins to smell. The same thing happens when you store up your anger. At first you experience few ill effects, but as days or months or years go by and you continue in the same vein, your emotions sour and your legitimate anger then turns into bitterness or depression or cynicism or defeatism.

Let’s examine your habits of handling anger, and we’ll begin with a simple question: Is it ever right to communicate anger? While you might assume I’m going for a yes answer (and you would be correct), people pleasers have great difficulty believing anything good can come from anger. Let’s take it a step further: Are you being irresponsible when you feel legitimate anger and you do not act upon it in a timely fashion? Again, the answer is yes, but it can be difficult in real life for people pleasers to think of the communication of anger as a potentially responsible act.

From the earliest years, most people develop an image of anger as an undesirable or distasteful emotion—and for good reason. Anger is so often misused and abused that it is easy to conclude, “I don’t think it’s a good idea to participate in the kind of behavior that anger dredges up.”

I now know that anger is a normal human emotion. Everyone gets angry, and anyone who claims to have nothing to be angry about these days is either in denial, delusional or is sleepwalking.

What was the pattern of anger in your family??

To have any sort of opinion about anger, we need to know what anger is. Anger is defined as “a strong feeling of displeasure or hostility aroused by a wrong; wrath”. If anger is defined as the emotion of self-preservation in which you wish to stand for worth, needs, or convictions, aggressive anger has the added dimension of being communicated at someone else’s expense. That definition alone does not sound so bad. However, it does not give any information about what happens when those feelings of hostility escalate into stronger emotions. Or how for some people, anger is one of the most painful emotions we experience, and the most difficult to use well and wisely. The problem is not in the anger itself but in the ugly communication of it. Our anger is an important signal that always deserves our attention and respect. The difficulty is that feeling angry doesn’t tell us what is wrong, or what specifically we can do that will make things better rather than worse.

Today, we live in a society marked by immeasurable childhood trauma, spousal abuse, professionally angry podcasters, road rage, friendship betrayals, teenagers who go on deadly rampages, and an “us versus them” mentality. We live in daily fear of parents, siblings, friends, lovers or strangers who are willing to hurt us to vent their anger, insecurities and frustrations from feeling hurt themselves.

“Hurt people hurt people”, we always say.

In a world such this, it’s better to be a warrior in the garden than a gardener in a war. How do we do this? Let's talk about it.

Disclaimer: This post is not for the men that punch holes through walls, or the women that shout the most gut-wrenching soul-crushing things whenever they have a tantrum. I am speaking to the girlies that are depressed, anxious and panicked because although they recognize their mistreatment, they don't know how to be upset enough to stand up for themselves.

Lesson One: Anger Is Useful

Specifically, anger is tied to your sense of self-preservation. In anger, you are wishing to preserve one of three basic matters:

1. Your personal worth. (“Please show me some respect.”)

2. Your personal needs. (“Won’t you acknowledge the legitimacy of my needs?”)

3. Your deepest convictions. (“I have certain beliefs that I won’t lay down.”)

Anger has a good function, then, since it prompts you to stand firmly for what is right. There are times when it is helpful to address wrongs openly, and you can do that without resorting to foul treatment toward others. People pleasers, however, experience anger just like anyone else, but they assume it is wrong to feel that way, or it is useless to try to act on it, so they will hold it inward. From time to time they may make a few futile attempts to communicate the legitimate aspects of their anger, but as soon as opposition rises against it, they back down, going into the appeaser mode.

Lesson Two: The Goal Isn't Revenge

Or to punish. It's t allow yourself to be human.

Humans have basic survival needs, as well as other more complex needs. The Bible recognizes this fact in its many passages. For example, we are told to love one another, to bear one another’s burdens, to encourage one another, to confess to one another, and to respect one another. These (and many more) instructions recognize our intricate system of needs that must be satisfactorily addressed if we are to have emotional well-being.

When our essential needs are not addressed or when they are invalidated, the result is emotional turmoil. We feel hurt and angry.

Lesson Three: Suppressing Anger is Risky

Many people, myself included, hesitate to admit their own anger. When anger-producing circumstances occur, we put on a good front and pretend not to feel the tension at all.

Not admitting when you are angry, suppressing and bottling up the anger can cause long term health effects and which can include:

• Addiction

• Coronary heart disease

• Cancer

• High blood pressure

• And a greater likelihood of early death

In addition to the health effects, there are many negative social effects of anger, including:

• Social isolation and withdrawal

• Passive aggression

• Increased levels of hostility towards the rest of the world

• Increased job stress

• Depression

• Relationship problems

Lesson Four: Don’t Be Afraid to Speak Up

At one point, during medieval times, women were accused of being witches if they exhibited too much anger. We have grown as a society since then but women are still only celebrated when they are being girlishly nice, naive and passive. Qualities that make them vulnerable to emotional, physical, and financial abuse.

For your own well-being, dare to not living up to these qualities.

Lesson Five: There is no statute of limitations on anger.

Like a lot of people, it takes me a while to process negative experiences. Call me slow, 'blonde' or stupid, I don't care. It never occurs to me in the moment that I am being insulted, or disrespected, especially when it's done covertly from people who I consider to be part of my close circle. I will go days, weeks or even months, and before I realize the person's true intentions, then I will be angry and some will say, it's too late.

Time may have passed, but I'm reacting of off new information so my feelings are valid.

Besides, who get to decide when, where and how long you can get angry? The perpetrator? The other people, who we know don't really care? I think you get to decide what angers you or what you are willing to let go of, because too many people get away with toxic behaviors by avoiding accountabilities this way.

Lesson Six: Use Your Anger for Good

We can feel angry and irritated about matters that have nothing to do with us. How society as a whole acts for example. i.e.. Portrayal of women on TV, Tolerance for child abuse, Stigmatization of mental illness, e.t.c.

Our anger can be a manifestation of our values and beliefs.There is a right time when to accept the imperfections we see in the world and a right time to stand firmly for your convictions. There are times when we need to take an unwavering stand for our convictions and a time to honor other people's freedoms.

However, don't let anger be so much a part of your personality that you lose your ability to find peace, it would be an indication that your good beliefs are ironically working against you. As adults we need to know how to remain calm when others do not share the same beliefs.

Lesson Seven: Recognize anger in your body.

Think about a situation recently where you felt angry. Picture the situation in your mind and remember what you were feeling and thinking. How did your body feel at that time?

What are some of the body signals that you felt?  

Some common physical symptoms include: Racing pulse, dry mouth, increased breathing rate, shaking, feeling warm, breaking into a sweat, and chest pains. Headaches, teeth grinding or crying are also not uncommon. Often we begin to feel these physiological symptoms of anger before we even realize that we are angry. Learning to recognize these body signals can give us a chance to address the wrong, hurt or mistreatment we are experiencing in the present moment.

Lesson Eight: You Will Be Tested

Conflict and confrontations are uncomfortable so there will be those that prefer you remain passive. The enablers. They witness the wrongdoing, the hurt or mistreatment you experienced, but they will choose to stand in the way of justice by protecting toxic or abusive people from facing the consequences of their repeated harmful ways. If you don't let people face the consequences of their own actions, how will they learn?

These people may be your friends, family members or even relatives. They will try to deny the wrongdoing by suggesting you deserve the mistreatment, or gaslight you to prove that your anger is unjustified or misplaced. They may also talk you out of seeking justice or accountability by giving you a false sense of empathy, love and understanding.

Remember, if they really cared, they would standup for you, or stand alongside you to the toxic person and cheer you on as you heal, growth and learn to set boundaries.

Lesson Nine: Know Your Own Worth

Anger is an emotion of self-preservation of your worth, needs, and convictions. Feel it, express it, and use it to detect your moments of vulnerability and identify legitimate concerns.

Remember, this is not something that you will be good at overnight. Practice, practice, practice and practice.

Lesson Ten: Express Your Anger

Anger is a natural and normal emotion. Babies get furious, express their fury and then it’s over. Many of us have learned that it’s not nice, or polite, or acceptable for us to be angry. We learn to swallow our angry feelings. They settle in our bodies, in the joints and muscles. They accumulate and become resentment. Layer upon layer of buried anger turned into resentment can contribute to dis-eases like arthritis, assorted pains, and even cancer. We need to acknowledge all our feelings, including anger, and find positive ways to express these feelings. We don’t have to hit people or dump on them, yet we can say simply and clearly, “This makes me angry.” Or “I am angry at what you did.” If it is not appropriate to say this, we still have many options: we can scream into a pillow. Beat the bed. Kick pillows. Run. Yell in the car with the windows rolled up. Play tennis. These are all healthy outlets.

Lesson Eleven: Use Affirmations

If You Believe:    Your Affirmation Is: 

• I am afraid of anger. - I acknowledge all my feelings. It is safe for me to recognize my anger.

• If I get angry, I will lose control. - I express my anger in appropriate places and ways.

• I have no right to be angry. - All my emotions are acceptable.

• Anger is bad. - Anger is normal and natural. 

• When someone is angry I get scared. - I comfort my inner child and we are safe.

• It’s not safe to be angry. - I am safe with all my emotions. 

• My parents won’t allow me to express anger. - I move beyond my parents’ limitations.

• I won’t be loved if I get angry. - The more honest I am, the more I am loved.

• I have to hide my anger. - I express my anger in appropriate ways.

• Stuffing anger makes me sick. - I allow myself freedom with all my emotions, including anger.

• I have never been angry.  - Healthy expressions of anger keep me healthy.

• If I get angry I will hurt someone. - Everyone is safe with me when I express my emotions. "I give myself permission to acknowledge my feelings.”

(If you liked this article, you might also enjoy Unlearning People Pleasing , Daughters Are Breaking Their Wall Of Silence and Friendship Breakups)

And dear firstborn daughter, when you are ready to begin your healing journey, consider my coaching program. Here are more details on The 12weeks Coaching Program